Cancelled Olympic Events

Cancelled Olympic Events

Breaking news: These sports will be immediately eliminated from the Olympic games, due to the fact that they are incredibly lame and arbitrary. Any sport that is judged is “inherently flawed and unfair,” the UN ruled today, and subjecting the worldwide public to these events will be deemed an “act of cruelty.” Any medals already awarded in these sports in the undergoing Olympics will be reclaimed and turned into equipment for legitimate sports, like weights or shot puts (much like turning ‘swords into plowshares’).

  • Boxing: A borderline event, it does have a clear scoring system, but matches can be called when “in the referee’s opinion, (a boxer is) being outclassed or excessively punished.” Also, boxing is brutal and thuggish.
  • Diving: Until and unless the diving competition becomes quantifiable (e.g. splash height and distance in the belly flop competition), diving is prohibited from the Olympics.
  • Equestrian: While this isn’t always judged, any Olympic sport that uses another animal is so obviously disqualified it needs no further comment.
  • Gymnastics: The king of judged sports. Incredibly popular world-wide. This event pits tiny men and girls (and they’re almost entirely girls, see the “16” year-old Chinese girl) in events where grace and style are actually part of the scoring. There have been scoring controversies every year. Until and unless scoring can be done by an objective computer, this event is banished to the WE channel between reruns of Hallmark movies.
  • Judo & Taekwondo: While these are awesome events, they are judged. An electronic scoring system, similar to fencing, would be acceptable.
  • Modern Pentathlon: See equestrian, above.
  • Rhythmic Gymnastics: See gymnastics, above. Also, no real sport needs a ribbon which one twirls artistically.
  • Synchronized Swimming: While the world loves a pool full of young women in swimsuits (see Baywatch), any sport set to music and that has choreographers is clearly eliminated from the Olympics. Dancesport isn’t in the Olympics, and Synchronized Swimming shouldn’t be either. (*)
  • Trampoline: Most don’t even know this is in the Olympics. So most won’t miss it.

The UN also ruled that in evaluating future Olympic sports, the IOC will only consider events that Stephen Skory cares about.


(*) With apologies to my good friend Chris S., it seems to me that Dancesport is hijacking the word ‘sport’ like so many humanities hijack ‘science.’ If dancing was obviously recognizable as a sport, it wouldn’t need to append the word at the end. We don’t call it Baseballsport. Or Physicsience.

3 thoughts on “Cancelled Olympic Events

  1. I say, away with the interminable boring Beach Blanket Babylon Volleyball too. Any sport where skimpy clothing is mandatory is out.

  2. Some points of contention from someone who hasn’t had to watch the Olympics through NBC’s all-ruining lense:

    -Judged sports are ridiculous, but lots of fun to watch. What those athletes can do is just as spectacular as running really fast. Arbitrary judging and opaque scoring systems are unfortunate, but I like that different kinds of athletes can still get recognition. I like the idea of objective computerized scoring systems, but people would bitch about those just as much.

    -Taekwondo is only awesome when the referees get kicked in the face. Unfortunately I left early that day because it was by far and wide the most boring event I attended and so I missed that sole instant of awesomeness.

    -Beach volleyball was the most fun event I attended. It’s a fast-paced and wickedly hard sport, though I can’t say how it looks when broadcast by NBC. And all swimming events are hardly less skimpy than beach volleyball, in fact the male swimmers wear less then male beach volleyball players.

    -It’s impossible to look at the Olympics as a fair test of any individual athlete’s talents. It’s all about time, money, training, and circumstances. All a medal means is that one person or team happened on that day to win according to this year’s Olympics’ particular set of rules. Judged sports may seem unfair, but they’re all unfair.

    -I’ve actually been, so obviously, my opinions are waaaay better than yours.

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